Today was so messed up! But it ended on a good note
Let's see... before we begin, let me list all the things I "OCD" about

-blowing my nose if I feel something's blocking it
-washing myself in the shower if I use the bathroom and feel like the seat is dirty (weird I know)

-applying vaseline on my lips (or lip balm, etc) if they feel the least bit dry
-plucking the hair on my chin every day (or area above my upper lip)
-exercising if I feel I eat too much
-changing my clothes if I feel they look ugly or wrinkled or stained (I wore my favorite jeans the other day that had a slight stain and it still kinda bugged me!)
-counting the grams of fat I eat each meal
-counting the number of times I blow my nose (only sometimes I do this)
-re-applying makeup if I mess it up even a little (like by blowing my nose! )
-forgetting things (hard to explain)

There are some others but I can't think of them now. I also have a really weird phobia; get ready for this one. I'm terrified of sex. I've done it, I've enjoyed it. But I have a HUGE phobia of getting pregnant so I use so many methods of protection it's almost ridiculous. I can't take birth control pills because of my little episode with the blood clot and all, so I use about 4 other methods known to me. Anyway that's too much info that you'd probably care not to hear. So I'm waiting for marriage! LOL...

Anyway, back to my day. I was very despondent to everyone for most of the day. I felt really crummy and depressed-- like a zombie, and it was because of the stupid Wellbutrin. It's made my anxiety like MAGNIFIED 10x. So, I think I'll stop taking it and see how I feel. I need to talk to my doctor about it because it actually made me worsen. My boyfriend and I fought because I've been acting so bitchy lately (though he didn't say so; he used the word 'snippy' but I'm sure of what he meant, LOL). I hate it when I get pissed with people and when I act like a total bitch. I want to be a nice person, but it's difficult to know who I am because I put on a lot of masks.

Later on my boyfriend and I made up; I realized I shouldn't be sore with him for being clueless during the football game. He expressed to me that I was taking things too seriously and should give myself a break (my mom also said this). So I'll try to take it easy.

Sorry for all the ranting, but I just needed to get it out. I'm also having this annoying ringing sound in my ears... it's driving me crazy!!!

I love you, s-n ~!! If I were single, I'd steal you. He-he-!
I love you all! I also love pepsi.


edit: Here's a really cute video on YouTube (if I haven't already posted it) of a Loveless AMV.

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Hello again, everyone. Today I went to a party at my boyfriend's house for a football game. A few of our friends were there and his relatives. At first, I was a little bored. I'm not the biggest football fan, and they were all playing football outside in a parking lot. I joined in, but did really bad. Anyway, as the evening progressed, things got more fun. Sometimes I felt a little invisible, though. I know it's because I don't speak up. Not that there's anything wrong with that; it's my problem. But I wish I could get people's attention better. ._. Is it wrong for me to feel left out because I don't share that interest with him as well? We did have a few good moments like when he put his arm around me, but when I hugged him he sometimes was a tad too distracted to notice. But that's okay. I can't expect him to pay attention just to me. I mean it's bad to cling to people. I hate it if I do that... so I hope I'm not. ... anyway! I've just been in an emotional twister lately. I hate troubling people like this, but I'm worrying about EVERYTHING. I don't know what's making it worse-- me or my medicine or any other thing. It's so crazy! Yes I have been drinking pepsi. I have a terrible caffeine addiction.

I really miss s-n.
I know she won't be around because her internet is being shut off for awhile, so I want her to know how much I care about her! I really adore her ~! So I hope we'll continue to be close friends. She's been an inspiration to me~! Truly.

I feel too opinionated sometimes! I worry too much...

I would like to say that I love all of my comrades on this site.

Sorry to trouble you all, but I really need some advice on anxiety. I've been trying antidepressants for the entirety of the summer for my OCD, and I just feel like I'm relying on a drug to make things better. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. None of them really made me feel different, and even though I sometimes get depressed, I'm not sure if I need them. I'm really confused. First I tried Lexapro, then Zoloft, and now I'm on Welbutrin. It seems to lighten my mood a little, but I don't know if that's just my attitude or the pills. I'm so confused!!!

Any advice from personal experience would help me a lot. I need to decide whether or not prescriptions are right for me. I may just need some counseling. Lately I've been feeling kind of sick, and I dont know if it's from the medicine or what... I really hate how most medicines make me drowsy or tired.

Again, sorry to bring up such a trivial matter. I love you all, especially my s-n-chama. Hee-hee!

I had an awesome dream last night! I dreamt Albel was my boyfriend! I was leaving some place and he gave me a parting gift and hugged me really tight. Then later on I think I was taking him somewhere and when we parted, he gave me a sweet kiss. OMG! It was sooooo COOL! I want to write a fic about me and Albel now. I'll make up my own character and everything. Yaoi or not, it doesn't matter It was so awesome of a dream. LOL. I'm so moe. I heart all my friends!

I feel pretty okay. I just got a new medicine to try. Hopefully it will make me feel a bit better! OCD is really annoying, you know? College starts next week, so I'm trying to make the most of my time off by just relaxing and reducing anxiety. One of the jobs I get to do at my school is modeling for the art department. But they take just about anyone! I get to do nude modeling, too. Fun! Anyway, how is everyone else? I always feel like I'm neglecting someone. I feel like I'm not a giving person ._. I hate downing myself, but it happens a lot. How do you become better? I need to draw more... and write. Lately, it's been kind of a slump for me! >.>

Loveless forever!!!!